Losing Confidence, Gaining Insight

I saw young hands the other day. They weren't mine. I was on the most crowded bus I've ever been on and I saw these hands holding one of the straps. They were the hands of a man not much younger than me. At least I would say. I looked down at my own hands. Are they so much older? Has it been one to many Chicago winters spent waiting on the CTA? Can I blame them?

Christmas Eve, I sat on the el, coming home from work, tired though it was an abbreviated day. I didn't have anything to read, at least not anything that interested me, so I sat and let my mind wander, something I used to spend hours doing. I find it happens all to seldomly. And as my mind went about it's way, it found something lacking. A train of thought I can't quite map brought me to the realization that I've lost touch with the confidence that brought me to Chicago. I've gained new confidence. Perhaps deeper and stronger. But that initial confidence, I don't understand it now. At that point, I had accomplished if not nothing then very little. I had determined two years into my college schooling to focus on acting at which those last two years were catch-up. What? What on earth made me believe I might potentially make it?

I've known this to happen to others, to hear older actors talk about their younger careers and wonder how they did it. To look at their younger selves as other. I guess I didn't think I ever did enough to have that much distance. Apparently for me, I have.

As all do, I have questions about what I'm doing, what kind of success I ever hope to have/will be granted me. Days with these thoughts come around, and I beat myself up. And then I kind of look up and ask myself, "What else would you do?" When that question is no longer rhetorical....